One thing we can all admit... BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO!!! And if we're going to be completely honest, it's one of the most painful and difficult experience some of us have gone through... yours truly included. It's been almost a year since my relationship came to an end and I'm at the point now where I can look back and reflect without any anger, hurt and pain. BUT... that took a while.
My relationship was good, until it wasn't. I could sit here and blame him and play the victim OR I could be honest and say we both contributed in the demise of our relationship. We were BEST FRIENDS for many years but the last year of our relationship we became strangers and eventually enemies. It became toxic and I wanted out but didn't have the strength to walk away on my own. So I turned to God as we often do in difficult times. I prayed, yes PRAYED for my relationship to end peacefully and EXACTLY 30 days later it ended. Be careful what you pray for because I was prepared for it to be over (I think we both were at that point) but I was NOT prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that came along with it.
The first couple weeks I felt FREE!!! The absence of arguing was a huge relief. I was focused on picking up all of my goals that I let fall to the waste side because I was so caught up in my crumbling relationship. I told myself I was now free to be the workaholic that I was. Free to create, free to be me... free to live!!!
Those first few months it didn't really hit me because we were still communicating under the umbrella of being "just friends." Yeah right.... that shit never works. It's only a matter of time before the arguing starts. Looking back now, it's impossible to be friends with your ex immediately after a break up. The wounds are still fresh! But because we've broken up several times in the past... it still didn't sink in that it was over.
Once I finally accepted it was over, it was a bitter pill to swallow. Living in a space of anger, hurt and bitterness will put you in a very dark place. You spend so much time replaying where you went wrong, reliving all the bad things that happened, all the horrible things said, it's easy to fall into depression, isolation and the feeling of wanting to give up on everything.
Then comes the roller coaster of emotions... One minute you miss the person and you think about all the good times. Then begin hurting because you miss those good times. You then become angry and resentful as you remember the bad times. After a while you begin to finally feel like you're over it... only to start the entire cycle all over again, in no particular order. These rollercoaster of feelings... I was not prepared for and is the reason for this blog post.
Over the past year I've spoken to several women in the same situation and as we shared stories I realized this emotional roller coaster is completely NORMAL!!! I was almost relieved to know I wasn’t the only one!!!! I'm grateful for those women who were open enough to share what they were going through or had been through with me. It gave me hope that one day I wouldn't feel this way and I can tell you today I don't.
For a long time I wondered how long I would feel the way I did. I knew I no longer wanted to be with him but I hated the emotions that would recycle through me. Whenever I was told time would heal all wounds... I would get angry at the old cliche. But that statement is 100% TRUE! The time just varies for each person.
There came a point where I had to get real with myself and own up to my role. Truth was, I ignored a lot of red flags, I made excuses for the inexcusable and I also had my shit with me that he had to deal with. I had to dig deep to exam a lot!! After a few months it was no longer about him and what he did, it became about me and what I allowed and contributed. It was time to work on myself and work on myself I did.
Healing is not an easy process (another thing I wish someone had told me). It’s very painful and takes constant effort. It takes examining your behavior going as far back as childhood. It takes a lot of faith and trust in God and His process. It takes allowing yourself to feel every emotion and not hide or try and suppress them. I realized there were some things about me that I needed to change. So I worked on changing those things. During that time I decided to be celibate so I could focus on healing me! I love being in a relationship and I want to make sure I don’t carry any baggage into the next one when I’m ready to get back out there.
I started loving me again and that came with accepting everything that happened... the good and the bad. I had to let go of my old way of doing things and work on creating new behaviors that would serve me going forward. It wasn't until I took responsibility, that I was finally able to let go!
So if you're readying this and you're currently going through the "roller coaster" I'm here to tell you that one day it will end. You'll wake up feeling different! You'll feel at peace. You'll look back with gratitude that things ended. You'll be able to understand why it all happened. Your blessings will start to flow and you'll realize it would not have happened if that person was not removed from your life!
I'm sharing my experience in hopes of helping someone else heal. It's not an easy process but in the end... you WILL be a better person because of it. But only if you take this time alone to work on you!!! Hope this helps!