Abstinence... A Year Without Sex?!!

No sex? For almost a year? Whew child... folks look at me like I'm either a unicorn or a liar when I tell them I've decided to abstain from having sex almost a year ago. In 2019 not many women, especially in my environment, can say they have and would do the same. I can't tell anyone what they should do with their bodies... but I can tell you why I decided this was the best move for me.

Once my previous relationship ended, I made the decision to be alone. I wouldn't say I hated men, but I was adamant that I didn't want ANYONE! I even posted this on social media several times... mostly as a way to keep men out of my inbox once word got out that I was single. Did it work? Of course not. The thirsties didn't care. But for me it was a declaration of detachment... something I wanted and felt I needed!! In hindsight, the truth was I didn't want anyone other than my ex for a long time. Once that feeling passed, I didn't trust myself and even more, I didn't trust anyone else.

I knew I needed time to "detox" from eight years of being with someone. This was the longest relationship I had been in and I did not want to carry any of my issues over into another relationship. At this point in life, I felt it was pointless to get into a relationship strictly based on sex. I had my fun in my 20s and early 30s and now that I'm in my 40s (I still can't believe that I'm that old... Jeez!!), I do not want that for my life. I liked being in a committed relationship and knew that I want another one. But I also knew how important it was for me to work on me before I do. I accepted some things in my past relationships that I shouldn't have and I behaved in ways I shouldn't have. I needed time to identify those behaviors and work on correcting them so I wouldn't attract the same person or repeat the same mistakes again.

What I've learned is we attract people based on who/what we are... at the time. That was a bitter pill I had to swallow. Everything about your mate that you don't like shows up as a way for you to identify those same behaviors in yourself. Read that again!!! Once I learned this... a light bulb went off. That's why I'm at the point now where I can take responsibility for my role in my relationship which helped me to grow and move forward. Doing this alone was important because when you don't allow your wound to heal... you bleed on everyone you come into contact with!!! Read THAT again!

Then I learned about soul ties. According to this Christian based belief, our soul is tied to everyone you have sex with. The longer the relationship, the stronger the bond. It's the reason why someone can know that a person is wrong for them, or in some cases... are in an abusive relationship, yet for some reason they can't seem to leave that person. It's important to cut ties before creating another one and the only way to do that is with time. When you no longer feel a pull, attraction, or a need to be with that person, the tie has been cut.

Now that my wounds have healed and I'm ready to get back out there, going without sex for so long will allow me to make better choices when it comes to my partner. A lot of us build relationships AFTER sex instead of before. At this point, having him wait while I get to know him better won't be that much of a challenge.

I'm really surprised at how quickly this year has passed... I'm even more surprised I've been able to abstain for this long. LOL!!!! But I can sit here today and tell you I'm glad that I did. 

-Blanco